One of the lessons handy to learn early in your career is that being a people-pleaser doesn’t actually please anyone.
Least of all… yourself.
Becoming a parent helped me to realise that compromising myself – juggling too many responsibilities and trying to maintain harmony with others – was people-pleasing.
I now know it’s not honest or authentic. And it’s easy to fall into this trap.
Here are some actions that could transform you and your career journey:
Listen with Care
- Listening is a superpower.
- When you really listen to someone, like really listen, then you will understand so much more of what they are saying. You realise what’s unsaid is just as important as what is said.
- Being a better listener takes practice.
- First step is obvious – put aside the distractions (this means your phone).
- Be confident and look directly at the speaker; be aware of your body language. In other words, don’t look away and cross your arms.
- Best sign that someone is really listening? When they paraphrase what has been said and ask open-ended questions. This is the breakthrough that moves you from listening to conversing.
Keep Your Boundaries
- If you aspire to life-work balance, not work-life balance, boundaries help.
- Boundaries are not about shutting people out. They create a framework to make sure your needs are met.
- First step, know your limits and needs. When you do, it is easier to determine what you will to tolerate and what you will not. For me, it’s no phone calls after 10pm or before 7am (unless it’s an emergency or someone overseas!)
- Once you’ve identified your boundaries, have the courage to communicate them respectfully. Be gracious and consistent.
- Your time, energy and mental health are your best assets. Use them wisely and it will make a positive difference.
“No” is a Complete Sentence
- It has been said many times before, but it’s hard to do, so we continue to say it.
- Saying no when you are uncomfortable about going outside your boundaries is one of the most empowering steps in the journey from people-pleasing to pleasing people.
- Like all good achievements, it takes practice.
- Try it in less critical scenarios to build up confidence.
- Remember, you might get pushback – anyone parenting an eight-year-old will know this – but you don’t actually need to give anyone an elaborate explanation or justification.
- If you mean no, say no. Clearly and respectfully. It will become easier.
As a reformed people-pleaser, I understand the intention behind this behaviour – a desire to be liked and helpful.
It’s understandable but worth addressing. If you don’t… it can lead to burnout, resentment and dissatisfaction.
The good news is that it’s possible to transition – from being a people-pleaser to someone who genuinely pleases people — and then you can focus on your real relationships.